Reproductive Rights (Jane)

My name is Jane, I’m almost 30 and I enjoy watching old sitcoms.

What is one of the greatest challenges you have had to overcome in your life?

A lot has happened in my life, but I think for the sake of today’s political landscape, I would like to talk about my first abortion. Isn’t so strange how when I want to talk about my body I relate it to a political landscape? Politics has nothing to do with personal autonomy but here we are in the 21st century, quite far through the 21st century and still talking about the rights of women as if its up for some debate.

When I had my first abortion it was 15 years ago, I was too young. And that is where the conversation should end. I was far too young. Still in school, with not enough life experience to really understand what was going on.

How did you initially react to finding out you were pregnant?

I feel like pregnant is such a heavy word. I wasn’t really pregnant. It was just a few zygotes and cells mixing together into a paste that wouldn’t even become a viable human for months. But just like it was back then, something that probably looked like a spit of tomato paste had more rights than I did.

I remember the denial. I remember denying it so intensely and thinking I was the one at fault even though the circumstances leading up to it all were certainly not my fault at all. But I remember thinking ‘how could I have brought this on myself?’, ‘this is all my fault’, ‘my mum will hate me and my dad will think I’m some sort of slut’. I hadn’t brought it on myself and it wasn’t my fault but I definitely knew my mum and dad were going to be extremely disappointed and blame me for it all.

I replayed the events leading up to being with this boy who was less prepared than I was and it hadn’t felt right in the moment and when it was over there was this strange internal feeling of ‘something is wrong’. It was in my mind and body like somehow I could feel my body becoming wrongly pregnant. It was the closest thing to a spiritual experience I’ve had, feeling my body being so, violated, in that moment. Later I went home and had the longest most hot shower of my life, scrubbing my skin thinking that would somehow fix what was inside.

I spent hours in the bathroom and I told myself my life was over I was the worst person to live. The next few days were a blur and I didn’t realise until later it was the longest period of dissociation I’ve ever experienced.

Did your reaction change?

Eventually, it did. I had a best friend and I still have that best friend in my life. It was the scariest thing to admit to her what had happened and even though I didn’t have a positive pregnancy test in my hand I knew in my gut, in my soul that something was wrong and I needed to see a doctor as soon as possible.

She took my hand and we left before school started, I don’t remember going to the clinic, I just held her hand and kept all of my attention on her holding me until we got to the clinic and sat down, waiting. That waiting was the most brutal experience. I felt my stomach turn and like my body was trying to drag me from that place. But I remember just holding onto my best friend’s hand. She was an anchor.

What did you ultimately learn? Good or bad?

I learned so much about my body. From quite a young age I became in tune with my body. But because it happened from something so traumatic, I didn’t appreciate it until years and years later. I didn’t become intimate with someone for years and I each time I thought about becoming intimate I was sick to my stomach. I hated myself for so long. I didn’t learn to love my body and love myself for a long time after.

Unfortunately, I also learnt that society is still devastatingly unequipped to handle women and all of the issues we are presented with. Or the way in which we are given strategies is so medieval and outdated. It took so long to love myself. Ultimately, I am proud that I could make the decision to not have a child when I was a child. It was the best decision I could have made and I am eternally grateful for my best friend, I wouldn’t have been able to do that without her.

Do you often tell people about this challenge? Why or why not?

I keep this very close to my chest. My best friend who continues to be my number one person in my life. I didn’t tell my parents until I was out of home and very much an adult. My mother cried. And then she shared her own abortion story and I began to cry because everyone I know has had some kind of story like mine. I get emotional and incredibly angry when this is still being debated in court and politics. It’s the most disgusting and terrifying thing.

Would you go through it again for the same outcome?

No. Not that young. I had another experience a few years later and even though I was older and knew what to do I wouldn’t have experienced something so traumatic and life changing that young. It put too much stress on my body and it has taken so many years to unlearn. In hindsight the second experience wouldn’t have been so easy if I hadn’t done it before but I would have preferred to not have known what it was like so young. If I could change anything it would be how young I had to live and experience having an abortion.